afraid

when i was little, i was afraid of the dark.

i was afraid of tattoos and snakes and that someday, i'd have to grow up and move out and be by myself.

i'm still afraid of the dark, but now, i'm not afraid of growing up- i'm afraid of how much longer it will be until i can finally leave.

i'm seventeen years old now, and i'm scared of change.

i'm afraid that everything will change, but i'm even more afraid that nothing ever will.

i'm afraid of roller coasters that go upside down, and of tall boys with cute smiles who are everything i told myself i'd never want. i'm afraid of lower-case letters, thanks to the american schooling system, and that's basically why this entire post is lowercase. have to face at least some of my fears somehow, right?

i'm afraid of being alone. i'm afraid that the way i feel right now, with no boyfriend and no huge group of friends and nobody to eat lunch with- i'm afraid that this is the way i'll be forever. because i love cats, but not enough that i want to be single and alone in my later years with only a nursing degree and twenty cats to keep me company.

i'm afraid of myself.

i'm afraid of what i can do, and i'm afraid of what i can't.

i'm afraid of what i want, and i'm afraid i won't be able to get it. i'm afraid of the world, because if there's suicide bombers in Europe, how long is it going to take until they're here? how long until it's my missionary that's in the hospital, or my family, or my friends? how long?

THERE'S SO MUCH TO BE AFRAID OF

but why would i let that stop me?