Wins and Losses

We're all going to die, so why the hell am I so afraid of it?

In ninth grade, I thought I wanted to die. I knew how I wanted to do it, I knew when I wanted it to happen, and I thought that maybe I would finally be happy, away from mean girls and overbearing parents and a stifling community.

Sometimes, I wish I had done it.

But sometimes, I'm happy they stopped me.

Because I'm not finished yet- one more year, that's all. One more year of high school and then I'm free.

If I had died two years ago, I never would've learned as much as I have since then. I'd be sleeping forever- which doesn't sound so bad when I'm waking up early every morning, but at least I'm alive. I can go to school and I can have a future and I can laugh and cry and live, just because I didn't open that bottle of pills. High school doesn't last forever. Neither did middle school, even though it felt like it would. And the older I've gotten. the more I've realized that nothing lasts forever. I don't talk to those mean girls anymore, and they don't talk to me. My parents are still overbearing, very much so, but I can deal with it. One more year, right? And the community is just as stifling, but next year at this time, I'll almost be finished.

If I had died, I never would've met him.

I never would've known that, hey, maybe there's a chance for me, after all.

I never would've met some of the best people I know, and I never would've taken the best classes I've gotten to be in, and I never would've known that even though I'm sad, I can still be so happy.

I never would've known that that my parents got divorced, and that even though I still cry about it, and even though I can't decide where to live and who to live with, I'm okay. We're okay.

And for the first time in a while, I'm looking forward to things. I'm looking forward to Hawaii, and the cruise, and senior year, and everything that's going to come after that. Because I'm afraid, sure, but I'm not going to let that stop me. That's a pretty big win, in my book, even after so many losses.